So I wrote a blog the other day because I realized I was struggling with some stuff. Struggling to remain in the right mindset without a lot of “in my face” sort of dominance.

I got a lot of really positive feedback. It was nice to hear from other submissives who also struggle; to know I’m not nearly as alone as it sometimes feels I am when I struggle, to know lots of other relationships go thru this ebb and flow and lots of other girls have a hard time with it.

But some of the reaction really set my teeth on edge. So you’re perfect. So what? Bully for you. Yay and all that.
Do you normally visit hospitals just to let those in them know that, unlike them, you’re perfectly well?

Geeeezzzzzzzzzz.

I guess I”m sort of flabbergasted by the assumption that I’m not in a happy relationship. Or that this time of struggle somehow means I really am a horrid submissive. Or that I somehow don’t submit if I’m not getting this extra bit of dominance I crave.

Nuts, I tell you.

Taylor and I have been together for nearly six years now. (We’ve known each other for almost ten)
Like most couples we have our up times and our down times.
My parents have been together for forty four years; married for 38. I was raised with a good, solid relationship as one of the building blocks of my life. But, believe me, they’ve had their times of struggle, too. I firmly believe it’s natural and normal for couples who are together for long periods to have a natural ebb and flow in all things, times of problems and times of peaceful content.

We’re going thru a little bit of a rough time right now.
We’re pretty much self employed as contractors doing roadside assistance. Business is down this summer and we’re broke. I mean seriously broke and not sure how well we’re going to make it until winter and the busy season.
We’ve just moved out of the home I was in for seven years (with Taylor for five) and had to restructure a lot since this place is much smaller.
Taylor’s mom just died.
My son is struggling academically.
Our dog keeps peeing on the floor.
We’ve had three vehicle accidents in six months and we’re down to just one truck; the work truck. Lots of stress there as it’s impossible to get any errands done when the only vehicle you have is tied up most of the day.
Oh, and Taylor’s motorcycle needs a bunch of repairs that we can’t afford so we’re missing our vacation this summer.
And did I mention that Taylor is bipolar? He doesn’t react well to meds so he isn’t on any.  Read anything about bipolar lately? Everything going on in our lives is a stressor for someone who suffers from it. He’s rapid cycling and really struggling himself.

So, yeah, the S&m and the more overt shows of Dominance have been a bit nil lately. It’s happened with us before and we’ve gotten thru it. Our relationship is strong; really, really strong. Stronger than anything I ever imagined I’d find. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have our share of struggles. We do, we deal with them, and I occasionally blog about them. It helps me free up the resentment and other emotions I’m feeling. It also allows him to read about what I’m feeling and going thru without it being a confrontational face to face discussion. It allows him to gauge and process where I “am” and decide what to do about it.

What my blogs don’t mean or indicate is that I’m somehow miserable with my relationship in general or utterly casting off my role as submissive. (And I do not use that term in a “roleplaying” sense. I use it in the same way I’d say role as mother or role as psych tech. It’s a facet of my life, a part of who I am)

Taylor is, without a doubt, top dog in this house. We obey him. (Yes, the kid too, though he obeys in a way good children should and not in a lifestyle sense)

Struggling with feeling like my needs are a bit neglected doesn’t mean I’m no longer submitting to him. I still do all the things I”m required to do, if a bit less gracefully at times. I haven’t wrenched control away from him and gone about my business doing what I want when I want just because there’s been an absence of some of the things I need.

Somebody said “I firmly disagree that to be “truly submissive” you need a dominant. Submission for me is not only how I REACT, but who I AM. “
I agree, in part, with this. I am a submissive, even when I do not have a partner at all. But being a submissive and submitting are two slightly different things. I can be a submissive all I want but if I have no one to submit to or no one to dominate me I am submitting only to myself and my own needs.
Very cool if you’re wired to feel happy that way. I’m not. I need someone to dominate me if I’m to feel fully submissive. I need shows of power to make me feel completely under his thumb.
And, yanno, there is nothing wrong with that.
Someone else said “Just because you are submissive doesn’t mean you don’t have needs.
Being whipped, coerced, punished is as essential to us as being told ‘I
love you’ is to a vanilla person. Don’t hate yourself for being human.”  Gods, but I love that.  And it’s true.

I bust my ass on a daily basis to be the best submissive I can be. Sometimes I need a bit more dominance to be at my best. Sometimes my best is only the best I can give with what I’ve been given. Sometimes our best isn’t perfect; it reflects the rest of what life tosses us and there is NOTHING wrong with that.

So…
Am I miserable and unhappy?
Sure, at times. I ache for things I’m not getting. Our life is troubled at the moment and I don’t have it in me to exist in some kind of vacuum where I am perfect regardless of the crap life tosses me.
But miserable and unhappy overall?
Nah. I love Taylor. There is no one out there who is more perfect for me, no one else who fits just so, no one else who completes me totally.
We’re going thru some tough times right now. That’s fairly normal in any long term relationship. Sometimes we don’t get as much of what we need as we’d like. But we have a deep, consuming love and that never changes. He owns me. That never changes either.

So you’re perfect.  Yay for you! Maybe it’s the masochist in me but I actually prefer my life with a bit of struggle. My relationship has been forged by fire and every time we dip into the flames we come out stronger than before. Who can complain about that?

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