“Flow with whatever is happening and let your mind be free. Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing.” ~Chuang Tzu

One of the hardest things for me is not knowing what is going to happen next. In general, I mean.
I’m one of those people who plan their day out the night before, who wake up with a set of expectations about what the day is to bring.
It’s not like I plan out my life weeks and months in advance. I’m not a routine freak or anything like that.
I just function best when I know what’s going on in the immediate future.I bet you can guess where this is going.

Taylor is a very spur of the moment sort of dude. Or, better yet, he’ll have something planned in his mind but doesn’t let me know until a few minutes before he wants to do it. Or, even better, he changes his mind!

And, yes, it does make me about crazy.

I think part of my need to have everything planned out comes from the fact that it’s my job to take care of everyone. You can’t work, run a house, take care of a kid, a dog, a cat and the Dude in your life without sort of planning things out so you can fit it all in a day.
So, yeah, pretty much every night I start thinking about the next day; what I have to do, what I should do, what I’d like to do and how to fit as much of it in as I can.
I also loathe not accomplishing what I wanted to.

So you can imagine my reaction when someone puts a wrench in my plans.
It’s never pretty.
It’s probably the one thing that has me rolling my eyes, huffing and gritting my teeth more than anything else in the world. I also bitch and moan and whine on occasion. (Taylor is probably reading this and sputtering, “occasion? Occasion?? OCCASION???” He once told people “if her head had spun around just ONE more time, I was leavin’!”)

So this is one of the things I’m trying, really hard, to work on.
It is SO not easy.

I feel so fucking out of control when I can’t do things in the order I intended to, when I sometimes don’t get them done at all because I was interrupted or our plans changed.

It’s not like I need to be in control of our lives. I just need to know what’s going on so I can fit everyone else’s extra stuff or changed stuff into my schedule of what I have to do or am supposed to do. I don’t want to feel in control OF stuff…
I just don’t want my day to be like being on the bumper cars, either.

And it’s not like I feel like I”m “being” controlled, either - unfortunately. I just feel like I’m running an obstacle course.

So, yeah, I really need to work on this.

Cuz I know Taylor gets to feeling like I’m just a troublesome cow when I’m having fits over my schedule being interrupted. And it has to feel like my obedience is given very begrudgingly.

And that’s really not the case. I want to obey and I do obey. I just want to be able to finish the tasks I’ve mapped out for the day.

(Taylor doesn’t give me a daily routine, schedule or tasks. We both know what things in the house and out of it are mine to do and I’m expected to get them done. He’s not going to put me in the corner if I don’t get the house vacuumed and the world is not going to come to an end but if I go too many days without getting the vacuuming done I’m going to start feeling like a failure, like my life has gone to hell and my home is a disaster site. Those feelings are not conducive to my submission because I get to feeling overwhelmed in incapable and worthless and… you get the point. So while I don’t have tasks or a schedule I do have things I must get done - hence the planning out of my days.)

Am I making a bit of sense?

I dunno. I just feel like I would be a much better submissive if I could just chill out and accept whatever comes next - no matter what it is - instead of getting in a panic because I might not get things done if I deviate from the little schedule I’ve mapped out for myself.

I’m working on it. I really am. Cuz I don’t want to seem like an ungrateful, complaining heifer every time he tells me to do something I didn’t have planned or every time he decides we’re going here, there or wherever instead of staying home (or vice versa). I want to be able to smile and accept and move on without losing my friggin’ mind.

That’s part of making him happy, right?

(But, honest to gods, WHO is gonna vacuum my floor if I put it off too many times? No one else even cares if it EVER gets vacuumed! Lol)

Maybe I need a twelve step program. Meditation. Yoga. Valium?

Can you just imagine what my reaction to a blindfold is?

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