“The longing to serve, to submit, to abandon oneself sexually, emotionally, and physically makes one a slave either to a man, a woman or to God. Submission to that passion is divine degradation.”
– Dorothy C. Hayden

Every so often I come back to trying to define things. I don’t know why since I know that, in regards to my own relationship, the labels and definitions don’t matter one single bit. We are what we are no matter what we call it.But, still, the compulsion to give things a name.
It makes me wish there was another name for what I am. Some new label that works for me. Something that fit just right instead of feeling like it’s too big or too small, too much or not enough.

I’m submissive to Taylor but am I “a” submissive?
Well, yes, in that the ideal dynamic for me is always going to be one of dominance and submission, of power exchange, of control and surrender. I’m never going to be happy in a relationship where I am equal in power. But I don’t always act very submissive. (How does a submissive act, anyhow? I’ve been told often enough how they don’t act - that would be like me - but, really, how do these dream submissives act?) I don’t always submit easily, even though it’s my deepest need and desire. It’s too ingrained in my very nature to struggle and fight against certain things to ever be able to just mindlessly submit without the occasional negative reaction. I’m not soft spoken, I don’t get every iota of joy in my life from serving someone, I don’t even always enjoy the service I do for Taylor. I do it, because I’ve agreed to the dynamic of our relationship and that requires obedience and service even when I loathe it - but loathe it I do on occasion.

So, I dunno, am I “a” submissive? It’s the term I use to describe myself most times, the one I use when I’m communicating with others in the lifestyle…

But is it correct? Is it what I am?

Am I a slave?
Gods, but I hate that word. Not for the horrible historical connotations but for it’s over use and the attitude that often comes with it. (Can anyone say holier than thou? That’s not to say all slaves have that attitude. I’ve met many who don’t. But I’ve experienced it too many times to not get that squicked out shudder every time I contemplate using the term for myself)
Besides, I feel like a slave is only a slave so long as they have a Master - and a Master a Master only so long as they have a slave - and I don’t like to define myself with a word that is so subjective to circumstance.
I’d like to think I am what I am despite my relationship status.

I guess I just make too big a deal out of words.
Maybe I care too much cuz I’m confused about it myself.
Maybe I want to be more than just a submissive.

I don’t know, man.

I guess what it comes down to is…
I’m his.
I belong to him.
I obey.
I serve.
I strive to be pleasing though I can’t say I always make the best effort I’m capable of.
I’m not allowed to leave.
I’m not allowed to say no. (Well, I can say it. He’s just not required to listen.)
Limits? Right. He respects my intense dislikes because they mostly match his or because he doesn’t want to permanently harm me. Beyond that, if I even use the term he laughs.
Safeword? Yeah. It’s “powder”. The last time I threatened to use it he laughed. I can scream it until I turn blue in the face. He’s only going to stop if he feels we’re done - not because I muttered some word.

I’m his girl.
He’s my world. My dominant, my lover, my best friend, the very essence of home and happiness.

Definitions, labels…
They’re useless.
We are what we are and I don’t think there’s a word for it.

That still doesn’t help me explain it to other folks, though! And, I tell ya, if I hear “you’re just a submissive, you wouldn’t get it” (or any of those other belittling, nasty, snide one liners so many toss out there) ONE MORE TIME….

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