Got that out of somebodies blog the other day and I have to apologize for not jotting down who’s it was so I could give credit.  Damn it!

Needless to say that simple sentence got me thinking…

We all feel like this, don’t we?

We want things, ache for things, need things and are half afraid to ask for them because, more than anything, we want, ache and need for him to want, ache and need to do them to us. Not because we asked but because it’s a compulsion, because he looks at us and can’t contain himself, because it’s a craving deep down inside of him…

Even knowing that asking isn’t going to necessarily get us what we want, even knowing that when we’ve asked it’s still his decision…

It FEELS as though we’re getting it because we asked not because he’s driven to do it by his own dark needs.

Am I making sense?

Maybe it’s just me.

I want to be wanted.

I want to be pretty enough and sexy enough that he looks at me and is overcome by the desire to fuck me.
Not overcome by the desire to fuck, by a random boner, but by the desire to have ME. Now.
I want to be the inspiration, not just the receptacle.

The same with S/m stuff.
I don’t want to say “Gee, Taylor, I’m goin’ nuts here. Could ya spank me?”
I want to be sitting here, minding my own business and have him suddenly overcome with the urge to spank me. (Or flog me or paddle me or clip a thousand clothespins to my flesh or ram a plug up my ass or welt me up with the cane…)

His will, his desire…
for me, for the taste of my flesh, the thrill of my reactions, the rush of power that comes from controlling ME.

Sometimes you get the feeling they’re only doing things because they know you need it, because they feel responsible for meeting your needs…

ARGH.

I guess they are, eh? It’s part of the whole thing. Each getting their needs met.
But I want it to be easy. I don’t want it to be a chore. I want my needs to be met quite by accident because his own sadistic spark matches my masochistic one.

I can’t count the times I’ve waited… and waited… and waited…  for him to do something because I was utterly unwilling to ask, unwilling and unable to have him do it not because he wanted to, wanted me, but because I asked.
Or how many times I’ve mentioned my need and then responded horribly to getting it met. Because it didn’t feel right, because it felt like he was doing it for me.

For me…
It’s all about him doing it for him.
And my surrender to that.

We’ve been together almost six years. I wonder…  do you ever get past that? Ever come to accept and enjoy his attentions even when you’ve had to ask for them? Ever get it thru your thick skull that he wouldn’t do it if he didn’t want to, because that’s the way the game goes?

Or maybe he does do it when he doesn’t want to and when he’s done he’s thinking…. “ah, that’s taken care of. now she’ll get my remote without bitching for another two weeks…”

Enough babbling. I really don’t think I’m making much sense.

Bah.