A couple of separate things have had me pondering the whole truth and communication and “you must tell him everything; every thought, every desire, every feeling that crosses your mind” thing.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I do value honesty and communication in my D/s relationship. I value it in all my relationships. But there’s got to be a line. There always is.

Kaya, over at Under His Hand, said something in a blog a month or so back about this. I can’t find the exact post, can’t remember the exact words, but she was questioning it. Questioning it because of the reactions we sometimes get to our absolute honesty.

On one the forums over at MDS we were discussing the whole “asking for it” thing. More people than I can count threw in the “he must know what you want and need, must have that absolute honesty and truth and openness if he’s going to make a good decision” card.

You hear it incessantly.

But…
Do we really need to tell them every last thing in our heads? Really need to show them every reaction without censoring?

I don’t think so.

I think, at first, when the relationship is new and you are learning each other…  yeah, you need to give every drop of yourself, every reaction, every everything. He MUST be able to get into your head, learn you, know what makes you tick, how far he can go without breaking you.

But later?
Five or ten or fifteen years down the road?

C’mon.

He knows you.

I’m not saying people should stop communicating. Gods, we should never do that.
But does he really need you to tell him every time something sucked for you? Don’tcha think he knows? Don’tcha think, after all that time, he can tell? That maybe he wanted it to suck for you?
Does he really need you to whine and tell him every day for a month that you neeeeeeeeeed something? (I need a beating, Master. Ooooh, I’m just dying for a beating.) Does he, after being together awhile, really need you to tell him you hate that paddle and please stop you can’t take it? C’mon. You can SO take it for awhile, he already knows you hate it and you’re going to hate him if he stops anyhow so shut up already!

How often do we actually HINDER their sadism and dominance by not just shutting the fuck up, by insisting upon communicating every thought and emotion that flits thru our heads and hearts?

It is HARD to maintain a D/s relationship long term. Hard to keep the intensity. Really hard to keep the S/m from getting routine and less exciting than it used to be. We grow and change and our limits stretch and we have to do more and more to keep each other happy. Or we have to deal with less heart pounding excitement and learn to revel in the comfort, security and pleasure of a consistent, relatively normal D/s relationship. (Just like vanillas have to learn to love without the “crush” hormones once they stop raging)

Does it really help anyone when every time he does something to perk up the dominance or sadism we dissect every emotional and physical feeling we had about it? Doesn’t there come a point where you know each other well enough that, unless it’s something big or new or unusual, you can keep your thoughts in your own head instead of having to lay them out there? A point where you maybe choke back that bad reaction and see where things go for a bit instead of “giving him all of you, bad reactions and all because he MUST have them to …  blah blah”? A point where we trust him enough to just shut up and take what he’s giving, just shut up and do what he wants us to do?

I’m not sure I’m making much sense.

I know I no longer feel the need to give Taylor every thought, reaction, emotion in my silly, submissive brain.
I know he doesn’t want or need them all anymore.
I know he generally already knows what I”m feeling or that I’m choking back a reaction or even what I’m thinking half the time.
That’s why I let him in in the first place, why I gave him all that for so long…  so he could KNOW me.
Now he does.

Sure, if we’re trying something new or stretching beyond where we’ve been before I’m going to revert to telling him, opening up like a book.

But…
We’ve used that scourge seventy two times. He really doesn’t need to have me whine about it anymore or have me tell him after the scene in great detail how it made me feel.
He knows. And he revels in it.
He doesn’t need me to tell him that contradicting me in public embarrasses me and makes me feel stupid.
He knows and occasionally chooses to do it anyhow.

Communication and honesty are great. Mandatory, even, in this sort of relationship.
But the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me gods can, eventually, sound a lot like nagging and trying to control shit.

Me…
I’d rather keep a bit inside and keep things balanced, thank you.

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