A View from the Floor

After my last blog, Nikita asked this:

“Just a question, what behaviors do you use to get the attention to your needs from Taylor? I know this was a topic in the forum and most of us agreed we don’t ask directly, but in a way, we demand on other ways…”

Been pondering halfheartedly most of the day as I went about cleaning and whatnot. (If I ponder wholeheartedly I never get anywhere. The wheels in my head spin and spin unless I let things stew in my subconscious while I go about my normal business. I try to focus and I end up doing a burn out…)

Anyhow…

(There is more where this came from … )

The other day, on a web forum, Taylor said this in response to someone:

“Submissive women are incredibly needy. Their needs are paramount in their lives.The privelege of having a submissive woman as part of your life, of having a relationship with her is providing the right atmosphere, the right conditions for her to live a healthy life. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally to.”

To which he, of course, took some shit from those who took needy to mean doormat dependent.
He responded with this:

(There is more where this came from … )

…between cyber and real time.

Yes, this is going to be a rant. Yes, I’m likely to insult some of you. Yes, there is a disclaimer.
And I’m only going to say this once, up front;
I do not feel there is anything wrong with an online relationship, cyber sex, computer dating, whatever. I have been in a place in life myself where it was all I could have. I understand that for many it’s the only option. Or even the preferred option. I totally get that web forums, chatrooms and online dating sites or networking sites are often a wonderful place to meet people you wouldn’t otherwise meet. And that those sites have opened up the world of BDSM to many who would never have found it elsewhere. That it gives people in small towns or with high profile jobs a place to participate anonymously.
I understand the benefits of cyber. I get the reasons, perks, etc, etc, etc. I have been there myself. There are even times I miss the intensity of an online relationship. An intensity that is different when you live with someone 24/7 and have to smell their socks and their shit and find time amidst vanilla everydayness to give each other the attention that somehow comes more easily online.
I am not against online interactions, online D/s, online fucking, online anything.
Do not fill my comment box with whiny bullshit about how I’ve insulted your relationship or don’t understand or… whatever.
I do understand.
I met Taylor online.
I had a two + year relationship with a Dominant in England that was primarily online.
I get it.

What I take issue with is not online in and of itself.
I take issue with some of the mixed up shit that goes along with it.
I take issue with the lies and cheating and fantasy based stuff that passes for “education”.

Real time is not perfect. Believe me it’s no where near perfect. I pick it apart once a week or so in this blog with my struggles and rants and complaints.
But it is real.

And, I am sorry, but those who have an online only relationship cannot fully say that.
Sure, the feelings, emotions and often actions (doing tasks, self punishment upon orders, etc, etc) are real as can be. But it’s never going to be the same as a real time relationship. You are absolutely not gaining the same experience and education via chat, IM, email, forum or even phone and web cam as you are in a face to face relationship.

And, by gods, I am TIRED of people acting as though they are.

I don’t care how many “scenes” you’ve done via chat or IM where you role play a single tail session.
He doesn’t actually know how to throw one and you do not actually know what one feels like. Even if you’ve read up on it until your head is about to explode you have not felt it, he has not felt it and it is neither real nor equal to the single tail sessions I have.
You say I’m demeaning you or belittling what you have.
Am I? Or are you belittling me by claiming text on a screen or in a book is equal to the bloody welts I’ve worn on my body?
Hmmmmm?????????

I’m tired of people claiming years of experience when they’ve never seen or practiced any form of BDSM anywhere but on the computer.
I’m tired of talking in web forums and being argued with by people who have never looked into their Dominant’s eyes while being punished. Want to argue with me about feelings? Go nuts, man. We all have them. Face to face or cam to cam or IM to IM. The feelings are there and they’re our individual emotions. I ain’t gonna argue that. But, by gods, when you start debating technical, safety or physical type things with me; things that can only be fully experienced in person…
I’m so not gonna be nice about it.

Have you worked all day, taken care of a child, three dogs and a cat, done 8 loads of laundry, cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner, all with the flu and a sinus infection and still had to lick his sweaty nuts at two a.m. just because he wants you to?
Have you turned around and been cracked in the mouth for that “endearingly bratty” comment?
Have you suffered thru a two hour scene with the implements you hate most, enduring and taking it just because he wants you to with zero chance of hitting subspace or getting any form of enjoyment out of it?
Have you spent a month worried about the numbness in your hand after an oops in a bondage scene?

No? None of that?
Then how in the flying fuck are you gonna give me advice or argue with my experiences?
Gonna give me tips on scene safety that will prevent that nerve damage when you’ve never gotten out from behind your keyboard and have no realistic concept of the fact that accidents happen even to the most careful folk?
Gonna tell me how much fucking pleasure you get out of simply serving him, how you don’t need anything but his presence and the opportunity to be useful to feel good? Sure, tell me all about it just as soon as you know what it’s like to do all that stuff not just when you log in or prance about completing your tasks but after a long, hard day and two months of not getting your own wants met and spending half the night gagging over the scent of his farts and gyro burps. Tell me how eager you’re going to be to lick his ass while he rubs one off and you can’t get back to sleep despite having to be up in two hours.
Tell me about it. Tell me how happy you are and how much you enjoy being such a good little subbie.

What you do is not and will never be the same as what I do. No matter how intense, emotional and personal.
And you have no right to belittle what I do by acting as though it is.

Half of you are cheating on vanilla spouses.
Huge numbers of you have made up bullshit, fantasy pasts for yourselves that include all this grand, real time experience… but, oh my, you can’t do it for real now because you’re far too important in your town/job/whatever. And, god forbid you give references. Tell us about real places you’ve played or munched or attended. Real people you’ve met who can vouch for you. Cuz those things don’t fucking exist.
You’re lying.
Lying and cheating and making a mockery of what I do, of who I am.

And that pisses me off.

You want your fantasy?
Fine.
Have it.
But, by gods, stop trying to make people believe it’s real.
Stop convincing yourselves that it’s real.

Accept it for what it is and stop, stop, stop comparing your reality with mine.

Tired of being/feeling insulted by the real timers?
Gee.
Maybe you should cease comparing yourselves to us.
Stop dispensing uninformed, castlerealm advice to us.

You feel belittled by us because you insist upon putting yourselves on the same playing field as we are.
I might play Tony Hawk Underground on the PlayStation with my son. Believe me, that doesn’t mean I can really ride a skateboard.
I might be fucking phenomenal at the god damned game.
I cannot really do an ollie.

And that is how you come across to us when you pretend experience, knowledge and education you don’t have.

I am not Tony Hawk.
And I would expect him to beat me down if I tried to give him skateboard advice.
What makes you any different?

And if you’re insulted….
Go back and read the disclaimer.
I’m not gonna say it again.

Online is fine.
Lies, bullshit and acting as though your experience is equal to mine is not.

Call me arrogant, vain, a chest thumper.
Holier than thou.
A bitch.
I don’t fucking care.
I will not compromise on this.

The things I do and feel are not the same as the things you do and feel.
And while you may have intelligent, important things to say - and I may appreciate them often - we are not the same.
I am not better.
But I am different.

Own what you are and stop trying to be otherwise.
I’ll do the same.

End rant.

Powered by ScribeFire.

I feel a blog coming on. A rant to end all rants. I’ll probably offend some of you. Hell, I’ll probably offend a lot of you. But the thoughts are clawin’ to come out, so out they’ll come.

Stay tuned.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Starting with a huge thank you for all the comments this last week. As I said in a comment response, I expected to take a lot of flak and got mostly kind words. Much appreciated.
That being said I did have someone giving me a little grief. An “anonymous” visitor, as usual. (The whole anonymous thing just chafes my ass in the first place. I understand not everyone has a blogger account or a google account but, sheesh, how about a signature? A link to your own place? I guess that’s defeating the purpose, hmmm? Of being able to say whatever you want and no one can do much about it cuz they don’t know it’s you?” Bah. Chickens.)

Anyhow, said anonymous visitor asked:

“why can’t they want it? (I’m assuming this is in response to me mentioning that others say they want what I have when they don’t have the experience to even understand what I have)why can’t they want something else? why do so many folk around use their blogs to put themselves on a kinkier than thou pedestal - then balk and deprecate when other want what they have? or belittle the people who don’t want it?”

Here’s the deal.I’m not kinky.I’m certainly not kinkier than anyone else.Why do kinky folks always feel it has to be a competition? Why do they always feel belittled when someone says something might be too much for them? (or for any random someone?)Do you really believe that newbies who see pictures of me dripping blood, snot and tears have a clue what they’re asking for when they say they “want” that?Do you truly believe someone with no experience beyond their keyboard or maybe a paddle on the bum KNOWS what they’re asking for when they make those statements?Do you?

I don’t think people can’t have what I have. (Which I never consider kink, btw. It’s part and parcel of who I am not a game I play in the bedroom.) I think people need to think long and hard about exactly what it is they want and need before they speak. I think people need to be educated and gain some small experience before they reach for the extreme. I think it’s foolhardy to leap into the harsher elements of pain play before you have a true idea of what you even like, or what you can take. I think saying you want what I have is a cop out, a way of not having to figure out what you need for yourself and why. Not to mention few even understand what I have. As is made abundantly clear by the “kink” and “play” comments I get.

Do I come across as belittling or depreciating?Hmmm…Sometimes, maybe.But usually only to those who fit the shoe.

Have you looked at my pictures and creamed and wished without a thought to what it actually feels like or the headspace I must have ended up in? Then I’m probably belittling you some. Your own fault for being a twit.I wouldn’t tell a pro basketball player that I could shoot more three pointers than her. Why would y’all assume you can do what I do? Why would you even want to when you haven’t experienced the stuff that comes before what I do yet???????????????Do you really think I got here over night?Fuckin’ hell, people. I’ve been “doing this” since 1990!

What it comes down to is:You can want all you want.You can NOT want all you want.You can be as kinky as you want and I’m not entering the competition.

But use your god damned BRAINS about it.”I’d like to get to that point some day” sounds a hell of a lot smarter than “oh god, yesssss, that’s what I want from my Dom”.Especially when said Dom is in the UK, you’re in Montana and you’ve never met. (NOT a rip on online or ld relationships. I’ve been there, done that. They are what they are.) Cuz, yeah, I’m going to get a little bit depreciating if ya do that.

And, really, folks, if you’re using your head none of my statements should crawl up your shorts and bite. They shouldn’t bother you. You should know you’re not an idiot and I”m not talking to you or about you. And you shouldn’t get your undies all wadded up.If you’re an idiot… take your lumps. The belittling I give you is gonna hurt a hell of a lot less than the first time you try to do what I do.

It’s not a competition.I just have a lot of experience.I’m not going to scuff my toe across the ground, hang my head shyly and pretend I don’t.We do a lot of extreme shit.My existence is fairly extreme.Taylor is a rough man to live with.Does that make me better than anyone?Hell no.But it does give me the right to say “hey, think about that a little, k? Cuz ya don’t yet know what you’re asking for.”And it gives me the right to question whether I”m the best one to give advice to very new folks.

If you need to make it into some sort of competition or feel lessened by my experience…Your problem, not mine.

I didn’t drag you here and force you to read.Nor did I ever say you had to agree with my opinions.

If you feel like everyone is saying they’re kinkier than you or belittling you…Maybe you need to analyze why you’re so unhappy with the level you’re at instead of blaming us for making you feel like shit.

I do what I do.I say what I say.I am blunt and not a bit flowery.I worry about the safety of new folks who jump in thinking you need to start out with the sort of stuff I do now instead of the stuff I did seventeen years ago.I worry about people reading blogs and forums and not understanding that we ALL took baby steps and there is nothing wrong with that.And if my insistence that people stop, think and slow down a bit offends you than you can, seriously, fuck off.

And now I’m irked with myself for addressing a comment in my blog. But at the same time anyone who stops by here needs to know, up front, that you’re expected to own up to your own feelings and not blame them on me.I am not in a competition. I am not better or worse than anyone. What I have is not better or worse. It just IS. If you feel threatened or belittled by my words or my experience than you need to look inside yourself and figure out why.Own your own feelings. I don’t want them.

~peace

Powered by ScribeFire.

Between what I mumbled about yesterday and reading over at Kaya’s blog today and some conversations with Embre last weekend my mind is churning a bit.

And then I keep coming back to this quote:

“I don’t want power to be simply exchanged; I want to rip it from her body” ~ HardTop

Everyone blathers on about consent and who really holds the power and giving one’s submission.

Yanno what?
Fuck all that.

I don’t want to exchange power.
I don’t want to give him power.
I don’t want to be “okay” with every little thing or we must stop.

I want him to have the power.
To take it.
To know I will do what he wants or I’m fucked.

I know, I know.
That’s not consensual.
That’s bordering on abuse.
It’s unhealthy.
It’s wrong and dangerous.

Yeah.
And it’s also why I laugh at most people’s idea of edge play.

That is my edge. My line.
That is how we “play”.

I’m not a perfect submissive. I’m not always running around pleasing and serving and striving to match some ideal level of slavery.

But I’m his.
Bottom line is….
He rules the roost.
He wants, I do.
And if I don’t, he’ll leave.
Simple as that.

Fuck consent. I gave that years ago. I now behave the way he want me to and please him on the whole or he’s gone.

What a horrible threat, eh?
To know that love is not enough to keep him here, that time devoted is not enough to keep him here, that the only way to keep him is to be what he wants and do what he wants and all those vanilla notions of relationship dynamics that are STILL the basis for most D/s don’t mean jack shit around here.

He’s the boss. He has ultimate control. And if I can’t conform to that he’s out the door.
He doesn’t want or need a vanilla relationship. No matter how much love we share if I cannot submit he does not need me.

Did I mention I’m not allowed to leave?
Have I mentioned that I don’t know if I’m capable of leaving regardless of what he does? (I would, eventually, stop loving and respecting if he were harming me and that lack of love and respect would prevent me from submitting which would, in turn, cause HIM to leave… but I am no longer capable of actually walking out myself)

How perfectly our relationship fits the descriptions of abuse, hmm?

That is my edge.
That is my line.

It’s no longer an exchange.
It just is.
Fact.
Reality.

Perfect?
Hell no.
I have multiple complaints.
He has a few himself.
We still strive to ensure needs are being met all around.
We do, after all, love each other.

But the cold hard truth is…
If I want to keep this relationship, if I want to stay as happy as I am with him, if I want to be understood so completely…
I do what is required of me or I lose it all.

These are the reasons I am loathe to dispense advice in so many areas. The ideas most have about consensual M/s and D/s relationships strike me as silly and game like. The ideas I have strike them as abuse.

Our lifestyle friends often look at us like we’ve slightly lost it.
I don’t do what he tells me to because I’m a “good girl” and he may pat me on the head or play with me later for it.
I don’t do what he tells me because I’m afraid he’ll put me in the kennel or the corner or beat my ass if I don’t.
I do what he tells me because he holds all the power. Because I am the powerless one. Because I have to.

Again…
I’m not perfect.
I sometimes argue with him.
I whine and bitch.
I give him dirty looks and I cry and complain.

But when push comes to shove I do what he wants because the ultimate consequence is more than I’m willing to pay.
And any bitching and crying and arguing I do is allowed by him.

There is no doubt in my mind he could create a me that ceased to do those things.
He has the power to do so.

Maybe some day he will.
I figure for now he must like me as I am.
Someone once said that Taylor is “a loose cannon, loosely controlled by his love for Carrie”.
A loose cannon he is. For sure. And his love for me has changed him in many ways. Having me in his life has given him things he didn’t know existed. For sure. But it is me who is controlled by my love for him.

Everything I do revolves around my love for him and having him in my life and the emotions he’s able to bring out in me and my fear of losing that.

I am NOT a good submissive, no matter how hard I try.
And I’ve finally come to realize it’s because we’ve gone beyond all that.
We’ve crossed that line someone else drew for us and we now dance on the edge of our own line.

I belong to him and the ache for him, the need of him, the love for him and the fear of losing him keep me dancing to his tune, endlessly.

Abusive?
Maybe.
But that knife of fear in my gut is, to me, as satisfying as sex and as consuming as love and as freeing as pain.
It is part and parcel of what I need.

So while it hurts me endlessly to know he could walk away with barely a backward glance…
I do not know that I could give so much to someone different.
Fear inspires me as much as all the rest and adds a level, a layer, I never expected and don’t want to ever give up.

And those are my crazy ramblings for today.

~peace

Powered by ScribeFire.

“To say nothing of the times when the Dominant/Top enjoys pushing limits, at the expense of their submissive/slave/bottom who simply endured the experience.”

Not too long ago, on a forum, someone spoke about it being part of a Dominant’s job to push the limits of his submissive. Someone else replied with the above quote and the feeling that limit pushing is over rated considering how many just endure it rather than enjoying it.

Now I”m not entirely sure where I’m going with this.

I know when I saw the above statement I immediately reacted with the thought “what’s wrong with enduring for your Dominant?”.
For me that’s a huge part of being a submissive. Enduring things for his pleasure.
But I also realize that, particularly in forums, we’re often speaking to brand, spanking, squeaky new submissives. And that, perhaps, telling them to endure the stretching and bending and even breaking of their limits right away isn’t such a good thing. That maybe it’s more important for them to become comfortable with who they are and what they enjoy before going beyond that, into the realm of uncomfortable, highly painful and potentially damaging limit pushing. And that, maybe, those of us with more experience should sometimes just shush because our opinions are, rather simply, too advanced for the newer folks.

I know I’ve had new submissives coo and cream and go gaga over my pictures and descriptions of our scenes. I’ve heard, more times than I can count, “yes, yes, THAT’S what I want”. And all I can do is shake my head because they have no idea what they’re asking for and how getting there could affect them.

I know that sounds arrogant but it’s true. What I do after more than a decade of “doing this” really isn’t suitable for newbies.
I”m well versed in my physical abilities and my physical and emotional limits and very capable when it comes to dealing with the fall out of pushing, stretching and breaking them down.
And there almost always IS fall out.

It makes me wonder how someone with experience can even guide the newer folks. After so many years you can’t even remember feeling the things the new folks feel.

I was listening to a friend last weekend. This friend does a lot of seminars and stuff, guides a lot of very new folks…
And it hit me…
What if these words, these opinions we give, that are taken as gospel so often, are WRONG for the person we’re talking to?

What if in my blogging about enduring and walking that line between sanity and falling apart as he mangles my limits screws someone UP?

I’ve been much more quiet on the forums lately.
Partly because I just can’t relate anymore.
They are so filled with new folks and I can’t find the advice they want to hear inside me. (And I just cause fights when I give them what they don’t want to hear)
But partly because I’m not so sure anymore I’m the one to be giving advice.

I’ve come too far, walked the edge for too long and am not even sure where the “line” is anymore.

What is right for me seems very wrong, somehow, for these new girls.
It’s too much, too soon.
What is right for me is pretty fucking whacked out. And in these days of internet relationships and online masochists… my advice, our way of doing and being, is bound to get someone hurt.

I don’t want to see inexperienced girls strung up and enduring before they ever have a chance to learn what feels good and where their edge, their line, actually is.

Ugh.
I started this yesterday, finished it today, and it’s really rather mad and nonsensical.
Oh well.
Maybe someone will find some sense in it.
The thoughts just aren’t all that clear in my own head.

~peace

Powered by ScribeFire.

Kaya had some wise words for me.
Hard to be a good slave/submissive and a good blogger.
And it is.
Life gets busy and there is only so much time for the computer.

So…
Here’s the deal…

I adore getting comments. Agree, disagree, it doesn’t matter. It’s just nice to be heard, to have people “get” you and to hop into each others worlds on occasion.
But I just can’t always manage to reply to the comments.
Please don’t stop leaving them just because I don’t answer. I hear them. I honestly do. And appreciate them a lot.
Kitten made the statement that she likes to have questions answered but doesn’t much worry about standard replies.
That makes sense to me.
So…
I promise to try to answer any questions and to continue appreciating the hell out of the bits and pieces of you that you all share by leaving me comments.
But I’ll likely not get much better at answering them. Lol.

(Seems most of you don’t much expect it on Blogger and Wordpress anyhow so I think it’s all good…)

More later, maybe.

For now I need to figure out where we’re going to get the cash for yet another truck repair.

I swear I’m going to hold a telethon.
We are so very financially fucked at the moment.

Off to make miracles…

xoxo

Powered by ScribeFire.

Yanno, there is one thing I really hate about Blogger and Wordpress.
On LiveJournal, when someone comments, you can hit “reply” and they see your reply.
Here and on WP I don’t even know if I SHOULD reply. It just sits there on my own page when I do. No one knows I have. Do people check back to see if I did? Do they get upset because I didn’t?

Argh!
It creates such a conundrum for me.

How do y’all feel?
Do you like replies to your comments?
Expect them?
Get mad or feel neglected if you don’t get them?
Does it matter which site you commented on? I mean, knowing how much better LJ handles them do you look for replies there more than on Blogger or Wordpress?

I know when I comment to people I’m actually surprised when they reply. Lol.
For so long I had just these little blogger blogs and maybe ten readers a day. Thirty on a good day. I never GOT comments!
Now that I all of a sudden have hundreds of people reading and at least a few comments on each post I’m confused!

So…
Comment. LOL.
Let me know what the damned etiquette is, someone, puhleeeese?

Powered by ScribeFire.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about pampering.
I’m sure it stems from the terrible time I’ve had quitting smoking and the absolute screaming need I had to be taken care of and held close and comforted and pampered.
And despite all my complaints Taylor did pamper me some in the first days. He just got impatient after that…

(As an update; after making it one week Taylor decided to allow me two cigarettes per day. I used to tell him all the time, when we’d discuss me quitting, that I didn’t really ever want to totally quit; that I”d be a very happy girl if I could get to the point where I could utterly enjoy smoking two cigs a day but lose the need to constantly be puffing away. To have those two smokes and love every second of them instead of being ruled by a habit to smoke pack after pack. Anyhow… after I went a week with none he decided he could live with that, too. So that’s where I”ve been the past two days. It seems to be working ok. My cravings are less, my mood is better, my sanity is restored by knowing I can “have one later” rather than constantly battling the fact I can never have another, and having those two doesn’t seem to make me want to have any more thru the day, not any worse (better, actually) than having none did.)

Ok. So. Anyhow…

Pampering.

I know some girls who are totally spoiled by their Dominants. I mean babied. Treated as princesses for the submission they give.
And I know some who do all the spoiling and get little in return. I mean they literally sleep on floors and in cages, get few comforts, little time for even taking care of themselves. Who get yelled at for scratching their nose at night because it disturbed “Himself”.

And then some find a balance between the two.

I think I envy Amy of Richard and Amy over at 24.7 most of all in this regard. Without a doubt she submits to Richard. Without a doubt he uses her as his, for his pleasure. She IS his. And yet the love is so readily apparent in their posts. The obvious caring he has for her, the visible pride with which he sees her. The care he takes of her.

Not “pampering” as most people imagine it but enviable none the less.

That perfect combination of D/s, objectification, use and abuse and pure, consuming love and care.

Taylor isn’t much of a pamperer.
He’s not much for showing his emotions, for that matter.
He’s not much for sweet words.
He doesn’t do much nonsexual touching.

And most times I’m ok with that.
I love him - and I know he loves me - and I don’t need a whole LOT of that kind of stuff. In fact I get smothered by it when I get “too” much.

But sometimes I really get to craving and needing more than I do get.
I suppose it’s a lot like S/m for those of us who need pain.
It’s part of what feeds us.
Our self esteem. Value. Emotions. Submission. Our ability and inspiration to serve comes from these things at times.

At least mine does.

I really don’t have it in me to serve selflessly, not matter how many times I write about the good submissive and what submission is to me.
It IS those things I’ve written about and I strive to be the good submissive.
But I flounder like a mother fucker when I’m not being fed.

No pain for awhile? I feel dead and achy at the same time. Listless and yet my skin sometimes almost crawls with the need for sensation and the struggle of my brain to process those sensations.
No noticeable, blatant, foot on my neck shows of power for awhile? Same deal. Things feel wrong and topsy turvy and I have no focus - even though I go about the basics with obedience and continue to be the submissive I am, it’s not the same or as good as when we’re feeling it blatantly and intensely.
No punishment for awhile, even though I’ve done stuff wrong? That simply leaves me feeling worthless. If I mattered my fuck ups would matter, yanno?
No love and care and kind words and pampering of my womanliness and childish side? I get miserable and scared and my self esteem starts to go down the toilet.

Feed me those things I need and my performance is over the roof.
Starve me and I’m listless and not very graceful in my submission.

Maybe that makes me a “bad” submissive.
Maybe it’s selfish and attention seeking.

But when it comes down to it I’m so NOT attention seeking. I don’t know how to ask for attention until I’m so needy for it I”m harping and bitching about stupid stuff. Like a teen or child doing bad things just to get SOME kind of attention, any kind. I don’t know how to be seductive and, unfortunately, I have bad timing. Every time I try it’s a bad time and it fails, even if it’s not my fault, and then I feel it IS my fault, like I”m not good enough or attractive enough or whatever and I give up. I don’t know how to be chatty and witty. And I don’t know how to just sit at his feet and wait an eternity for whatever crumbs he tosses my way, either. I get so dishearted I get up and find something else to do.

I dunno, man.
I guess my version of D/s includes some wonderful balance between being a used and abused and controlled, chained, piece of flesh for him, being a graceful servant who meets his needs and keeps him happy and his life running smoothly and being given enough love and caring and, yes, pampering, to make me feel valuable and appreciated.
I don’t want to be a pampered, prissy princess.

But I guess being loved and appreciated is important to me.

And I know I am.
I really do know it.

I guess I just wish Taylor was more able to show it at times.
When he does it fills my heart to bursting but sometimes I wish it were more often.

Of course I wish the S/m was more often, too.
And the tie me up, chain me down, drag me around, tell me and show me exactly what I am was more often, too.
Lol.
The service is constant - with grace or not, it’s always there.
The obedience is constant too. I very rarely disobey but that’s mostly because he doesn’t ask much of me beyond getting him food and drink and takin’ his boots off. I really don’t have much for rules to break.
But the rest…

There are times I really ache for more of it.
I guess I’m just a greedy bitch, at heart.
Or human rather than super slavey submissive servant woman.

I’ve been complaining a lot lately.
Or at least it seems I am.
I’m not, really.
Just putting what I feel out there so I can understand it and deal with it appropriately.

And that’s enough rambling for now.

~peace

Technorati Tags: bdsm, princess, love, attention, need, caring D/s, M/s, Master, Slave, Submissive, Dominant, relationships, pampering, S/m, whining

Powered by ScribeFire.