Between what I mumbled about yesterday and reading over at Kaya’s blog today and some conversations with Embre last weekend my mind is churning a bit.

And then I keep coming back to this quote:

“I don’t want power to be simply exchanged; I want to rip it from her body” ~ HardTop

Everyone blathers on about consent and who really holds the power and giving one’s submission.

Yanno what?
Fuck all that.

I don’t want to exchange power.
I don’t want to give him power.
I don’t want to be “okay” with every little thing or we must stop.

I want him to have the power.
To take it.
To know I will do what he wants or I’m fucked.

I know, I know.
That’s not consensual.
That’s bordering on abuse.
It’s unhealthy.
It’s wrong and dangerous.

Yeah.
And it’s also why I laugh at most people’s idea of edge play.

That is my edge. My line.
That is how we “play”.

I’m not a perfect submissive. I’m not always running around pleasing and serving and striving to match some ideal level of slavery.

But I’m his.
Bottom line is….
He rules the roost.
He wants, I do.
And if I don’t, he’ll leave.
Simple as that.

Fuck consent. I gave that years ago. I now behave the way he want me to and please him on the whole or he’s gone.

What a horrible threat, eh?
To know that love is not enough to keep him here, that time devoted is not enough to keep him here, that the only way to keep him is to be what he wants and do what he wants and all those vanilla notions of relationship dynamics that are STILL the basis for most D/s don’t mean jack shit around here.

He’s the boss. He has ultimate control. And if I can’t conform to that he’s out the door.
He doesn’t want or need a vanilla relationship. No matter how much love we share if I cannot submit he does not need me.

Did I mention I’m not allowed to leave?
Have I mentioned that I don’t know if I’m capable of leaving regardless of what he does? (I would, eventually, stop loving and respecting if he were harming me and that lack of love and respect would prevent me from submitting which would, in turn, cause HIM to leave… but I am no longer capable of actually walking out myself)

How perfectly our relationship fits the descriptions of abuse, hmm?

That is my edge.
That is my line.

It’s no longer an exchange.
It just is.
Fact.
Reality.

Perfect?
Hell no.
I have multiple complaints.
He has a few himself.
We still strive to ensure needs are being met all around.
We do, after all, love each other.

But the cold hard truth is…
If I want to keep this relationship, if I want to stay as happy as I am with him, if I want to be understood so completely…
I do what is required of me or I lose it all.

These are the reasons I am loathe to dispense advice in so many areas. The ideas most have about consensual M/s and D/s relationships strike me as silly and game like. The ideas I have strike them as abuse.

Our lifestyle friends often look at us like we’ve slightly lost it.
I don’t do what he tells me to because I’m a “good girl” and he may pat me on the head or play with me later for it.
I don’t do what he tells me because I’m afraid he’ll put me in the kennel or the corner or beat my ass if I don’t.
I do what he tells me because he holds all the power. Because I am the powerless one. Because I have to.

Again…
I’m not perfect.
I sometimes argue with him.
I whine and bitch.
I give him dirty looks and I cry and complain.

But when push comes to shove I do what he wants because the ultimate consequence is more than I’m willing to pay.
And any bitching and crying and arguing I do is allowed by him.

There is no doubt in my mind he could create a me that ceased to do those things.
He has the power to do so.

Maybe some day he will.
I figure for now he must like me as I am.
Someone once said that Taylor is “a loose cannon, loosely controlled by his love for Carrie”.
A loose cannon he is. For sure. And his love for me has changed him in many ways. Having me in his life has given him things he didn’t know existed. For sure. But it is me who is controlled by my love for him.

Everything I do revolves around my love for him and having him in my life and the emotions he’s able to bring out in me and my fear of losing that.

I am NOT a good submissive, no matter how hard I try.
And I’ve finally come to realize it’s because we’ve gone beyond all that.
We’ve crossed that line someone else drew for us and we now dance on the edge of our own line.

I belong to him and the ache for him, the need of him, the love for him and the fear of losing him keep me dancing to his tune, endlessly.

Abusive?
Maybe.
But that knife of fear in my gut is, to me, as satisfying as sex and as consuming as love and as freeing as pain.
It is part and parcel of what I need.

So while it hurts me endlessly to know he could walk away with barely a backward glance…
I do not know that I could give so much to someone different.
Fear inspires me as much as all the rest and adds a level, a layer, I never expected and don’t want to ever give up.

And those are my crazy ramblings for today.

~peace

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