After my last blog, Nikita asked this:

“Just a question, what behaviors do you use to get the attention to your needs from Taylor? I know this was a topic in the forum and most of us agreed we don’t ask directly, but in a way, we demand on other ways…”

Been pondering halfheartedly most of the day as I went about cleaning and whatnot. (If I ponder wholeheartedly I never get anywhere. The wheels in my head spin and spin unless I let things stew in my subconscious while I go about my normal business. I try to focus and I end up doing a burn out…)

Anyhow…

This is an area I really do struggle in.
Denial and emotional torment are a huge part of what I need. Taylor knows that.
I’m also far too prideful and scared of being pandered to to directly ask for what I need. Taylor knows that, too. I think sometimes he truly enjoys watching me crack under the pressure of my need…

And that’s exactly what I do.
I suffer with it.
I let it eat me to pieces.

And then I break.

Sometimes I resent that he allows me to do that.
I’ve bitched about it often enough.

But as the years go by I begin to realize that it’s exactly what I need most times.

I don’t think I’m answering the question very well.

I guess I’d have to ask Taylor for a better answer.
Cuz…
I don’t really do anything to get my needs met.
Nothing intentional anyhow.
I swallow it, I let it eat me, I let it hurt me….

I eventually break.
Burst into tears or throw out a hateful comment (You don’t’ want me. We’re VANILLA! blah blah blah, etc etc etc)
That never gets me anything but a raised eyebrow and his back, though. He’ll rarely immediately take care of my problem. He’ll let me stew in my reaction usually for a good long time.

He knows where I am, emotionally and mentally and physically, at almost all times. He knows me very, very well. And he does take care of my wants and needs.
He just does it in his time, in his way.

And that’s probably my biggest need of all so it works for us.

Sounds screwed up, eh?

Ugh.
Maybe I do need to ponder this more.
I really don’t think I’m making sense or answering right.

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