Perhaps it’s the Catholic upbringing.

Though I fell from grace many, many years ago my mind still considers trust and faith to be very separate things.

Faith, to me, is blind. It’s unquestioning. It’s absolute belief without tangible proof of  - or amidst tangible proof against - something. Faith is more emotional and spiritual than intellectual or mental.

Trust is different.  Trust is something someone earns over time. Something proven. Trust is more mental than emotional.

Maybe I’m weird that way.

I know Taylor and I definitely have different ideas and opinions and definitions of trust.

I also know that I’ve shown Taylor both.

From my standpoint I’ve put huge amount of trust in him just by accepting him as my Dominant, just by giving over control of so much to him.

But beyond that I also trust him not to lie, cheat or harm me.

That doesn’t mean I’m not afraid when he pulls out the single tail. I am. I’m afraid he’s going to go too far, afraid he’s going to really hurt me, afraid of the scars, afraid of being so vulnerable to so much pain…

But I shove my trust in front of my emotions and let it be more important than my fear.

Same thing goes, in my head, when he keeps something from me. And he does, sometimes. He doesn’t always totally fill me in on his plans, doesn’t always tell me about every girl he talks to online or at work, doesn’t always tell me where he went when he goes off in a pissed off, need to get the hell out, bipolar rage. He’ll keep things from me to prevent me from getting pissed off myself, to prevent me from being hurt by insignificant crap, or just to avoid the whining I’m sure to do.

And I get that, I understand that, I accept that and I trust him. I believe him when he does explain things to me. I make the choice to put my trust in him over the doubts I may have and believe him.

I trust that he’s not out there cheating on me. I still worry a little when he’s gone too long and doesn’t call. I still get a little afraid. The thoughts go thru my head - he could be doing this or he must be doing that or gods, what is he doing that he didn’t call or why isn’t he where he said he’d be or home when he said he would.  I think those things are fairly natural and normal. As normal as being afraid when he cuffs my hands and pulls out a whip. The fear, the worry, the thoughts flicker thru my head…

And then I take my trust and put it in front of those thoughts and let it be more important than my fear. I stifle the crazy, fearful voices in my head. I cage them up and don’t let them win because he’s shown that I can trust him. No matter how hard they bang on the cage in irrational fits I don’t let them win.

I let trust win.

I’ve even shown blind faith in him. I’ve been presented with he said, she said situations. I’ve been involved in they said, we said situations. I’ve had to go with not just my trust in him but the blind faith that he is telling the truth even when it looks to everyone else like he is not. I’ve had to go beyond the rational and proven trust I have in him and soar on faith alone.

I’ve done that.

And yet…

I think our definitions of trust are so different he doesn’t quite get it.

To him trust means you don’t have the fear, don’t have the irrational, hollering voices clanging in your head, trying to sway your trust with what ifs and maybes.

Trust and faith are the same thing to him. Maybe to most folks.

I can’t help the niggling voices, the fear, the occasional doubt. (Maybe I can and should prevent myself from voicing them but I’m blunt, honest and utterly open in my relationship just like everywhere else and I guess I put my own need to be brutally honest and open before tact and the feelings of others at times. Maybe I shouldn’t do that…) The doubt, the fear, the small voices that try to chip at my trust…  they’re probably never going to go away.

I’ve been fucked by trust a time or two. We all have.

I’m highly perceptive most times and I bust people lying more often than most do. (And nearly everyone lies. Big, small, important, trivial…  I don’t know anyone, myself included, that never, EVER lies) Lying is natural, I guess. I’ve accepted that we all do it, that’s for sure. But that knowledge and acceptance don’t necessarily make trust any easier, yanno?

It’s not easy for me.

In fact, it’s damned hard.

My expectations of those I allow into my life are enormous. Friends, family, loved ones…  I expect a lot from them. And knowing that they all occasionally lie to me doesn’t make trust easy at all.

But I make the fucking choice to trust them, I put the trust before the doubt and worry and fear, I don’t allow those negative things to win in the battle being waged in my brain and heart…

And it kinda sucks when that’s not seen.

Taylor thinks I don’t trust him because the niggling voices of doubt, fear and worry still manage to creep in from time to time.

In reality I’m giving him far more than he can even imagine by conquering those voices and trusting him despite them.

Hell…

I can’t give Jesus blind faith and yet I’ve given even that to Taylor when the situation has required it.

When everything has been stacked against him, when every nerve ending was signaling “run!”, when the voices drowned out every rational thought in my head I have, instead, leapt blindly back into his arms with total faith in him and us.

And it’s been worth it.

He’s shown he’s worth it.

I just wish sometimes he understood better, that he could see things thru my eyes and with my emotions for a short time.

I wish I could see things thru his sometimes, too.

It’s not a difference between the sexes. It’s just a difference between people.

I guess I need to learn to stifle the voices a bit better, use a little more tact when I’m talking to him so that in being so open about my emotions I don’t leave him feeling so untrusted.

I do trust him.

I couldn’t be with him if I didn’t.

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We have this thing, this routine…

It goes a little like this:

“I love you, Honey”

“I love you, too, puss”

“Lots?”

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t”

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It’s like that for me with trust.

I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.