Let’s see…
We went to a party the other night that included old friends and some new and I got a compliment on my blog. (I don’t know if I said thank you. Bad puss. Thank you, R.)
Anyhow…
Point being that I sometimes forget that people I actually know read this thing. I usually feel pretty anonymous when I write. And I guess I used to be. Back when I was lucky to have three or ten readers a day. Even when it crept up to thirty I felt like I was just kind of talking to myself and the occasional friend who popped in from time to time.
All of a sudden I’ve got hundreds of folks reading every day and I have to admit it feels a little weird.
I’m sort of like… “oh my gods… what on EARTH do I have to say that brings all these different folks my way?”
Not that I’m complaining. I find it pretty cool most times. (Could y’all find a way to keep the religious freaks out of my mail box, though?) But sometimes I sit here and I’m like… “I need to find something good to write about so I don’t disappoint everyone… think, puss, think…. ”
And then I realize…
Fuck it. Writing for the entertainment of others has never been my thing. I rant and rave and babble and ponder and let things spew out of my head and it appears people sort of like it. So it’s silly to change it or feel pressured about content.
Point?
I’m glad y’all read me and like what you read and I’m gonna try real hard not to change what appears to be working just fine. K? K.
On to the topic that’s been floating around my head since the weekend.
I’m a little bit manic about my personal space. Always have been. Between being more empathetic than most and somewhat of a prude when it comes to casual sexual touching I’ve sort of built this wall around myself. My friend Rainie told me straight out once that it’s very like a visible sign on my forehead that says “Back the fuck off”.
Now, as I get to know people, that wall comes down some.
We’ve got a group of friends (most of the old MARC crowd) that we’re very huggy, kissy, gropey, lovey, touchy with. But it’s a playful touchy, not really sexual. We’re comfy with each other, yanno? Although I”m probably the least touchy of the group. I”m also the biggest prude and the only one who’s not really into multi partnered stuff so that makes sense. I just don’t feel sexual about anyone besides Taylor and haven’t since I met Taylor. That’s not to say I don’t like to snuggle a nice, soft woman on occasion or reach out and fondle a gorgeous breast. Not to say I don’t like being wrapped up in a pair of strong, manly arms for a hug or get the occasional ass or booby grope of my own. I do! But I’m always the first to pull away, to feel odd about it, to feel when it’s “enough”.
So, I’m babbling now.
I have a point, I swear.
This weekend was a little like jumping a small hurdle for me. In many ways, actually. Taylor and I had our first hard flogging scene in years and it was far more wonderful than I expected it to be. I jumped right over the hurdle of worrying about how much I could take and just enjoyed it and that felt fucking phenomenal. But I also hopped a little hurdle in the touchy category.
I got touched a lot after our scene - even a little before it - and it actually felt good. I was a little nervous but I clamped those nerves down and just let it be nice and… lo and behold… it was!
I think I have this stupid fear that if I let people touch me a little they’ll go too far. That someone is gonna reach down between my legs and grab my puss and then I’ll have to deck them. (Cuz I doubt that’s really ever gonna be okay with me if it’s not set up in advance) And this weekend, surrounded by friends I really adore, I realized that they really do know me well enough that they’re simply not going to do that. They’re not going to do anything I”m uncomfortable with and I should just shut up, trust that and enjoy the sensation of being touched and admired.
And that, folks, is a hurdle for me.
Now pat me on the back and tell me how proud ya are! 
And remind me to come back to the thoughts about including someone else in our scenes / letting someone else torture me later in the week, k?
Cool for you both. You did it, & not only survived but soared. I’m so happy for you.
October 30th, 2007 at 8:08 pm{ “oh my gods… what on EARTH do I have to say that brings all these different folks my way?” }
giggles…. you could write the word blah repeatedly, with nothing but punctuation, and i would bet a lot of us would find it entertaining.
October 31st, 2007 at 6:36 ami guess for me, reading your stuff is kind of like a peek into my own head for the opinions and feelings and thoughts i do not allow myself to have most of the time. a lot of what you say is a lot how i feel, if not verbatim, then only needing a little tweaking….
i kind of forces me to deal with my own shit instead of blocking it out. i got so good at NOT working on me, that i usually do it without realizing it anymore.
there it is, you are my therapy
xoxo
pat pat pat
yes, I’m proud of you.
xo
October 31st, 2007 at 8:04 amwell ffs, how’d I manage to come up as anonymous?
October 31st, 2007 at 4:16 pmOoooooooo…I’d love to read the blog about someone else joining your scene and…AND…letting someone else torture you.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:07 pmi guess i am a lot like you in many ways…… but mainly in the touchy feely stuff especially at a play party……. some of our BDSM friends are also into swinging.. and quite often i find myself taking a step back at public parties.. not wanting to give out the wrong vibe.. (i have been accused of that )
i don’t mind someone else picking up a flogger - especially if Sir is there to supervise but the private sexual bits belong to Sir..
even now that we have drakor as our houseboy… people surmise more is going on than is actually going on.. but i try really hard on not caring what others “think” and hold close to me my grandmother’s addage of “me thinks she protests too much”…
morningstar (owned by Warren)
November 2nd, 2007 at 3:36 amco-owner of drakor
People read you because you just write with such honesty about all aspects of your life. You write so well and draw the reader in, making them want to read whatever subject you tackle. Perhaps that’s why and where you really tap into your touchy feely emotions … in your writing.
Now my needs in s/m are sexual in nature, for both my husband and I, and for me it is private thing. The embarrassment would kill me, to even think about attending a play party. And that’s my hangup, I am private, and the thought of someone else actually seeing me in all my “not” glory, is not something that I would contemplate. Point in fact, it took my husband a few months, but he finally talked me into having a Brazilian wax job, “Just have it done for our anniversary weekend.”
!!!SHIT!!!! That was the most painful fucking thing I’ve done…. I know he was sitting at home chuckling to himself, enjoying the visceral image of me having my hairs ripped from my body… I’ve managed to have that done 3 times now. They say it gets easier — BULLSHIT! It just takes less time.
Anyway, kind of went off on a tangent there, but wanted to let you know, love reading your stuff…
KnKyPet
November 4th, 2007 at 6:33 pmThank you!
November 5th, 2007 at 12:31 pmThat’s high praise. And I believe you’re right. Nearly all my touchy feely stuff comes out via keyboard… or pen and paper… always has, I guess.