So…
Had we not been at the end of the night and out of time Taylor was going to let a friend of ours tie me up and have his way with clothes pins with me.
See, Taylor isn’t real into bondage as he prefers the pure torture of keeping me still and in position by simply telling me to stay. I suspect he likes my responses better unbound and I suspect he enjoys watching me fall out of position just to return to where I should be as soon as my eyes meet his.
And the simpler forms of torture… clips and clamps and whatnot… just don’t do much for him. I’m not exactly sure why. (Why is that, Honey?)
Now I, on the other hand, quite enjoy clips and clamps and butt plugs and tack bras and all the other little things that don’t take much effort but sure put me in a nice head space. I like a bit of bondage on occasion, too. I’ve talked about that before…
Anyhow…
I was encouraging some friends of ours to play and the submissive of the couple was telling me it had been awhile and she’d prefer to regather that closeness with her Dude at home before opening up in public with it. Believe me, I can understand that! But she was saying that next time she was sure R would tie her up and whip a bunch of clothespins off her. I, of course, started lamenting the fact that Taylor doesn’t get into those things much and next thing ya know he’s offering to let R tie ME up and fiddle with the clothes pins.
Like I said…
It was late and the party was coming to a close so there was no time and no such thing happened but…
BELIEVE me I’ve been thinking about it a lot.
And while I’ve had rather a lot of thoughts on the idea what it comes down to is… I don’t really know WHAT I think about the idea!
So I’m gonna babble a bit. Just let the thoughts wriggle out of my brain as they wish and apologize later for the tangled bits y’all have to sort thru if you actually finish reading this. 
Part of me is extremely leery about letting anyone else have control of my physical self, letting anyone else dish out pain and sensation upon my body. It’s been seven years since anyone but Taylor has and, in reality, despite my years of experience my partners have been few.
Bri, Steve and Taylor. That’s it.
I can count on one hand the number of people Sabrina allowed to touch me and one of those was an utter disaster. None of it very intense and most of it just someone joining a scene with her, to do something she couldn’t do with only two hands.
Steve was a long distance thing and no one but him touched me while we were together.
Taylor and I are closing in fast on our sixth anniversary and other than a few nipple tweaks by other Dominants - or the stray whack with a frying pan (Ed!) - we’ve not had anyone else involved in our scenes or had me scene with anyone else. There have been a few times he’d have liked to but I balked out of discomfort. We’ve teased with a few female Dominants online and discussed how much we’d have liked to bring them in on some of our play but I think that’s mostly because I sometimes miss the oddly different touch of a Dominant woman, the complete different mindset that forms when a woman tortures another woman. And, hell, Taylor would love nothing better than sharing me with another chick - Domme, sub or alien.
So anyway…
It’s almost a foreign concept for me - someone else being part of our play or being given the right to control my body, give my flesh the sensations and torment that normally only Taylor does.
I can’t quite imagine it.
I don’t know how I’d react to it.
And I’m fairly certain I’d disappoint whomever was Topping me.
Cuz there’s another aspect.
For most folks, S/m is about sex. It’s about wet panties and hard cocks and becoming aroused. And, for me, it just ain’t. Rarely, anyhow.
Sure, the idea of being tortured and tormented and whatnot turns me on. It makes me fidgety and squirmy and sometimes wet. But the actual act rarely does. Well, ok, I guess I generally get wet regardless but my brain doesn’t process pain as arousal even if my body does. When in the throes of a session I don’t really want to be touched in a sexual way. I don’t want to get off. I don’t have the craving to go from pain right into sex. I don’t want someone to set a vibrator on my clit while they beat me. Etc, etc, etc. It is very, very, VERY rare for pain to manifest as a physical and sexual arousal.
What I like, what I get from pain is the chance to revel in the damned pain, the sensations. To absorb them in my body, to catch them in my breath and hold them there until my skin can’t take it anymore and feels it’s going to split, until if I don’t release them in the next breath, the next moan, the next scream I’m going to explode.
And it takes a certain kind of Sadist to suck those sensations into himself on his next breath, to take the power and emotion I’m giving him and feed upon it.
People watch Taylor and I play and, while I know they’re enthralled by the extremity of it, I also know they’re baffled by the lack of eroticism and sex.
And, yeah, we usually fuck like starved Ethiopians when we get home but that’s, for me, less about the pain and almost totally about the power - the taking, the drawing out, the forcing, the surrender. (Oh god. Now THAT makes me wet!)
So…
yeah…
I’m a little worried that playing with someone else would be a huge disappointment to them. And maybe to me, as well. I dunno.
I’m just not very good at being casual about all this. I guess cuz it’s not casual to me. It damned near spiritual.
So, ok. There’s also the fact that I’ve never actually seen R play before. I’ve heard about his skill with ropes and some of the things him and p do but I’ve never seen it. Never felt the energy so I don’t know if we’d be compatible that way.
I’ve seen a lot of people play and there are very few that have spurred me to think “oh, yeah, I’d let him do that to me”. Very few people have the same sort of scene energy I do. I dunno, damn it.
Then I have this reputation as an extreme pain whore to live up to. And, fuck, man, I don’t know if I can take that kind of pain from anyone but Taylor. I really never had in the past; not like what we do.
So I feel as though I’m bound to disappoint there, too.
I think that in order to scene with anyone else I’d need to have Taylor RIGHT THERE. I’d need to know his attention was on me through out the scene, that I could meet his eyes at any time. (I feel a little bad. I know R reads this blog occasionally and now I feel like I’m saying I don’t trust him. I do. I have much love and trust for R and p. Please don’t take any of this wrong!)
See, it’s all in my head and in my heart and I’ve given so much control to Taylor, surrendered so damned much, I don’t know if I have anything left to give anyone else. With Taylor right there I’d still feel I was giving to him, doing what he wanted me to.
Make sense?
So, I’ve got all these “oh my gods, oh my gods, oh my gods, what if….” things running thru my head and a boatload of insecurity and fear and blah blah blah…
But at the same time there’s this niggling little voice that says “some rope and clothes pins would be awful fun, pussssssss”.
And, yeah, I’ll admit that ideally I’d get that from Taylor. But at the same time I don’t want him to do stuff that bores him to tears just to make me happy. I don’t end up happy then, yanno? I end up feeling guilty and unfulfilled and plain old icky.
So what does one do, huh?
Trust the Man, that’s what. Cuz he’s gonna do with me what he wants regardless. Or let someone else do. And we already know he’s not going to let harm come to me so…
Shut up, puss puss.
Ok.
I have quite a bit of experience in this area. I felt/feel all the same things you do about playing with someone else, & yet several people have scened me at M’s request.
Having all those conflicts & just giving over to what he wants is what will send you flying. Trying to process what you want/don’t want/don’t know/don’t understand/aren’t sure about while you’re doing the very thing you’re afraid of because you want to make him proud… That’s the “scene” — not the clothespins.
November 1st, 2007 at 3:00 pmWill you marry me?
November 1st, 2007 at 3:03 pmok.. i am gonna try leaving a comment again…. cause it seems my comments disappear
one thing you wrote made me sit up and take notice.. that was your comment that said: “Then I have this reputation as an extreme pain whore to live up to. And, fuck, man, I don’t know if I can take that kind of pain from anyone but Taylor. I really never had in the past; not like what we do.”
and i thought yeah i get that.. i am the exact same way..
in my mind it is like dancing with someone….. dance with the same person for years and suddenly you can’t dance with anyone else.. there is a sensual quality to dance .. the melding of two bodies into one.. and and and.. to me anyway.. a session is pretty much like the most sensual dance going…….. and i am never sure if i can do that dance with someone else… and not all that sure i want to try………
(now fingers crossed i am gonna try submitting it and see if it goes poof into the great void that is the internet)
morningstar (owned by Warren)
November 2nd, 2007 at 3:47 amco-owner of drakor
i hope you dont mind me butting in again….
something i found out (unfortunately, the hard way - AGAIN) many years ago (and mind you, this was a fairly vanilla incident that caused me to learn it, oddly enough) was that the act of trusting is a purposeful choice and a somewhat educated guess.
this kind of boils down to being a trust issue, does it not? i know you care about R/p (if it is who i am thinking it is). i know you trust them. trusting them in this situation is a tad different, yes.
also, for what it is worth, if R/p are who i think, i had an incident that i allowed them to try on me. a different scene than that vanilla one and one i was totally unexperienced with it, but a scene nonetheless.
for me, it put me into a panic. i am not sure why, but i just had an anxiety attack from hell that made me physically shake and cry and basically freaked the living shit out of me. as soon as i let it be known how i felt, it was ended. just like that. it was discussed a little afterward because they did not understand why and quite frankly, neither did i. they were trying to help me overcome a fear that was so obviously very traumatic and upsetting, but they let me go, immediately.
greg was there and i felt ok with it at the beginning, but when needed out, i got out. i just could not handle the contraption they put me in. i wish i could have. i was upset with myself, but no one else was upset with me. just concerned.
my point - to trust someone, albeit, they have to ‘earn’ it to ‘keep’ it, is a conscious decision. you must actually think to yourself…alright, they are ok, they are nice to me, i think i can try to trust them. (minimizing the issue, i know, but it is the idea…)
you actually make a conscious decision to trust.
when you first meet someone, if you would like to make them a friend, s.o. or whatever, you open up yourself a little (trust to a small degree) and see what they do with it. if they act in what you feel is an appropriate way with what they have been given, you feel a little more confident to give a little more. then you see what they do with that. if that also goes well, you give a little more…. see?
the initial act of trusting someone is a purposeful and conscious decision that you need to make for yourself. some people call that judging. i do not. you are not making any form of critique on them. you are simply evaluating whether or not you would like to spend time in their company.
however, keeping your trust, now that is on them.
(also, bear in mind that i HAVE been in this very situation you are considering, (not the above mentioned things, i mean others) and i am speaking from my own experiences and how i was able to follow through with it in my own head, much less physically…)
you can sit and debate the pros and cons, you can ponder all the things that might go wrong… analyze the living hell out of it…. and i strongly recommend that.
but…
once you sit down and think ok, i think i can do this…
…but…. (and fill in the blank with whatever concern(s) you have) can still go wrong.
this is the choice area.
you have evaluated, discussed, considered, analyzed…. and everything else with this situation. you never go blind into something like this and i know you know that.
there is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS a ‘chance’ that something can go horrible wrong. even when playing with taylor, there is never, ever a 100% ‘absolute guarantee’ it will be perfect. (99% of the time nothing does go wrong, but that ‘chance’ is what makes it a bit more invigorating, and knowing and believing that he can and will fix anything that may arise is your trust in him.)
so…early on in your relationship with taylor…
you made a conscious decision to trust taylor, no? (i did with greg)
you stick with your decision to trust taylor come hell or high water, no? (i do with greg)
with this particular situation…
you understand who will be there and basically what will be done, no? (i had to have that)
you said taylor needs to (should) be there, no? (that was a major part of my agreement)
if all of this is true and reasonably ok and you still have doubts - that is ok, AND NORMAL.
you are not jumping off a cliff here, you know these people. you have probably seen them doing their own thing. you have most likely seen how he is on the dom-ming thing. you have been face to face with them. you have, no doubt, discussed hypothetical situations with him and considered his opinions.
now you are at the choice stage.
all is acceptable except for those nagging doubts, which, btw, do NOT go away 100%. (which, as i said, is not always a bad thing…)
now you choose to trust.
trust that if something goes wrong, R is there and taylor will be there and they are fully able to rectify it.
neither of them are novices. they know what they are doing.
if you want to do this, whatever your reasons are, you have to let go and just trust.
enjoy the sensations knowing you are safe with taylor there.
(personally, one of my biggest reasons for doing this was simply that he asked me to do it because it was something he wanted.)
i highly doubt you will hit head space if you do not let it go.
trust taylor. that is what you do.
well, that is what i did.
it helped a lot and worked for me.
just my 2 cents….
November 2nd, 2007 at 10:51 amCindy, I love you.
Talk to that man of yours, see what y’all are doing the next few weekends. I need a fix. We should have a wee party at your place. (Nice how I volunteer that, eh?) Chelle and I were even talking about it….
We all miss you guys! And we miss being all together!
Ok.
Onto a serious note.
Excellent advice, as always. You always make me feel better and I really do love you.
xoxo
November 2nd, 2007 at 12:29 pmApparently, I’m going to delurk. I’ve been a consistent reader of your blog for quite a few months, now, and thoroughly enjoy reading most of your postings. I’m an irascible Dominant living in the Northeast, usually unpleasable and obdurate, so I rarely comment on blogs. I’ve learned that I cause arguments that I never intended to cause - not because I care if anyone disagrees, but because I rarely have the energy for them and I detest unfinished conversations. But, today…
Trust. ex nihilo nihil fit. It is not common currency to be exchanged for favor; neither is it to be commanded. Trustworthiness in an individual can be measured as much, if not more, by the depth of trust a few place as by the number of those trusting. The deepest trust is the hardest won, and the easiest lost. Submissives are not things. You are very much people, and I tire of those who would treat you as property or objects. (It’s usually here that I historically gain opponents). I recognize many submissives desire, relish, long for, maybe truly need to be happy, objectification. Consensual objectification, consensual servitude, need not demean the individual, even if the individual feels demeaned. Needing to feel demeaned, even often, even nearly constantly, does not mean the person should be demeaned permanently. It is a great drama we play, a play in infinite parts, on a stage writ large. No human can truly own another, regardless of the depth and comprehensiveness of the agreement between two people that such a relationship is what they desire. And, it is precisely this impossibility - the mere knowledge of it is enough to color any relationship based on power - that frustrates Dominants and submissives alike. As you say, years of full-time lifestyle can become droll, if not painful, monotony when the artificial structure of the relationship is all that remains or all that is regularly experienced. Submission is a gift given from a submissive to a Dominant, and goes hand in glove with trust. You must trust that you will be cared for as a prized, invaluable party in a relationship, even if your pleasure and sense of well-being is defined through humiliation. Or pain. Or service. You cannot be taken for granted, or you will become resentful whether you act like it or recognize it. Repressed emotion finds an outlet. One measure may be the frequency with which you ask yourself - or others - “why do I think or feel this way when I want to feel…what?”
It’s all fine and wonderful for the Dominant to expect everything just so, our dinner warm, the type of greeting we prefer, behavior appropriate to the environment, and the myriad other trappings of our lifestyle. It’s another thing entirely to selfishly demand these things as something owed us by our submissive(s). Non mihi, non tibi, sed nobis. If a Dominant wants to begin running through submissives and wearing them out, let him or her perpetuate behavior that takes their submissive(s) for granted beyond the pale of one or more scenes. Dominants who ignore their submissives needs yet demand their own preferences remind me most of petulant children who break their toys rather than let anyone else derive greater pleasure with them. Except, Dominants are breaking toys, they’re breaking people. Lest I inadvertently invite protest, allow me to clarify. Breaking stubborness or petulance is different from breaking the will. To break a person’s will is to break who they are, and I’ve yet to meet any Dominants who possess the requisite perfection to rebuild the people they might break.
Good day.
November 3rd, 2007 at 3:30 pm