Sounds fun, eh?
Sorry. It’s a rant. 
Of sorts. Likely to be short but something I have to get off my chest.
Ok. So over on MDS there was a forum post asking what, exactly, folks meant when they say “so and so is only in it for the kink”. Most replied that it was a superior, snubbing, nose thumbing, derogatory insult. And, yanno, for some that may be the case.
But I don’t look at it that way.
For me, it’s something I say to differentiate those who are into power exchange and those who are into kink.
I’m not demeaning those who are into kink.
It may come across that way but I have to honestly say that it’s your own perception if you feel I’m being demeaning, perhaps your own insecurities or disagreement with the way I do things. It is not my intention to belittle or minimize what you do.
Here’s a reality check for you.
Almost all my real time, true life, face to face lifestyle friends are not 24/7.
One couple is in it purely for the kink. Not a drop of power exchange in their relationship. They just love to try new, kinky, fun things. They love to spice things up in the sack. And I love them.
Another couple admits that they could never do 24/7 and have no wish to. They’ve been married for a long time, they swing, and they love bondage and power exchange in the right time and place. They spend long weekends indulging in both but put it aside easily when that time is over. I love them, too.
I could go on and on but it would bore you if I explained the dynamic of each of my friends. The point is Taylor and I are actually in the minority in our 24/7 status amongst our group of friends.
And you better believe none of us are putting each other down for our choices or demeaning each other for what we do or don’t do.
However…
HOWEVER…
I also don’t go asking my kink only friends for advice about my 24/7 relationship. Our bondage and swinger friends don’t ask me for advice about what they do. We all realize and accept that we’re different and don’t try to butt in to stuff we don’t really understand.
Unlike online.
Sure, people might get a little snarky, give you shit about just being in it for the kink when you stick your nose into a conversation with your own attitude and advice about something you don’t understand.
You can pretty much expect it when, being a kinkster, you hop into a discussion about 24/7 and say ridiculous things in your lack of understanding or even desire to have what’s being discussed.
When you insert comments like ” It’s all about how to choose to play the game. (I use the word intentionally, mainly because I don’t go in for putting things up on a pedestal.)” in a discussion with someone who finds power exchange to be a way of life, a reality and not something they “play” at…
You’re gonna get a bad response.
So, really, I guess my point is…
Sure, there are some 24/7 folks who snub their noses at anything less.
And there are some kinky folks who find the 24/7 people ridiculous and delusional.
And there are gazillions of folks somewhere in between.
If you don’t want to be demeaned and belittled for your choices, perhaps the best way to prevent that is to keep your own opinion about things you neither do nor understand to yourself.
What you say and do directly influences the reactions and responses you get.
Don’t complain about them if you couldn’t keep your own mouth shut.
Don’t belittle what I do and I won’t belittle what you do. Don’t insert your dubious wisdom about something you don’t participate in and I won’t have to tell you you’re talking out of your ass.
And visa versa, yanno.
i agree totally with you……. but wanted to add one thought i had… i wonder if these online folks would be quite so opinionated if they were face to face with folks……….
just a thought..
morningstar (owned by Warren)
December 14th, 2007 at 5:09 pmAbsolutely not.
December 14th, 2007 at 7:53 pmI’ve yet to find anyone online who behaves like that in public.
They sit quietly in public and talk behind people’s backs. Or on web forums.
I work continuously to create my perfect marriage through tapping into the ancient truths of male dominance over females. It is the natural order of things. Women are only happy and secure when they have a man to control them.
Check out my blog, you will learn something I am sure.
December 15th, 2007 at 12:37 amPerhaps you ought to have further checked out mine before making your statements.
December 15th, 2007 at 11:05 amYanno, I agree also, but would even clarify it with, the same people that talk behind other people’s back in RL, do it online, they just think they’re anonymous, and therefore they can snark anyone they want.
December 15th, 2007 at 8:05 pmSometimes I wish we could be content with just kinky games. It would make the dynamics a lot less work. We sort of tried that, but the D/s is a need for both of us. Neither of us can just “play” at it. It feels too fake if we try; it just feels silly. In a way I’m sort of jealous of the couple who can do it that way, just treat it all so playfully. It would eliminate a lot of that rollercoaster angst of D/s.
December 16th, 2007 at 7:41 pmYup, yup.
I agree.
That’s part of why I get so irked and defensive when folks insist I”m being “superior” if I utter the words “just in it for the kink”.
I’m NOT!
Every type of relationship has it’s up and down sides.
There are sides to the kinky relationship that I’m often envious of.
There are many times I truly wish it could work for me.
Which I guess is why I get so mad when people assume I mean things I don’t.
Assumptions are just stupid, damn it.
December 17th, 2007 at 11:21 amGreat blog, it is good to read anothers experiences
Yours,
December 22nd, 2007 at 12:46 pmdave
(a little opinion, now that i have some of my pc back…)
sinnamon wrote : the D/s is a need for both of us. Neither of us can just “play” at it.
i like that….
people that ‘really know’ us know that i am loud and bossy and it looks like i am the boss.
in actuality, *that* is our ‘playing’.
because of the different upbringing that everyone brings to the table, we all deal with d/s differently and none is necessarily wrong.
personally, i had been verbally abused big time as a child/young adult. as a result of this, i cannot allow more verbal abuse. it is not anything bad, really, but that abuse is something i just simply cannot deal with.
now, that is not to say that i will not do what he wants, i will, but i will not if i am demanded to do it. if he just says something or asks, fine… no problem.
for me, it is like if someone sneaks up on you and screams in your ear to purposefully scare you for laughs and you turn fist balled to punch as a reaction, not a conscious decision. it is not something i consciously do, it is learned behavior from years and years of abusive treatment. it is reactive. if you act like that with me, i automatically go into f*** you mode. i do not choose to, it just is.
BUT
if you ask nicely, i usually try to go far above and beyond to do better than you asked for in the first place.
i guess one could say that in reply to being ‘asked’ as opposed to ‘told’, as a personal unspoken thank-you, i try to do better than just ok. i want to show that it is important to me to be nice to me.
it probably sounds bad to some of you. i cannot help that, that is just how i am wired. i had/(have still by some) been far too abused for far too long. everyone has stuff that they avoid or will not tolerate. that is mine.
but back to the topic, my rough and tough is my form of play. if i had to guess, the sub part of me is ingrained, i admit, but because i was not allowed to even have an opinion, much less voice one, that is how i can have it safely and still be me. i banter boldly
January 6th, 2008 at 11:08 am*chuckle*’
January 6th, 2008 at 2:54 pmI like that. “Banter boldly”.
And you certainly do.
And we love you for it.