“The mark of the best slaves is patience…..infinite patience…”
Laura Antoniou
Not, of course, that I’m a slave. And if you try to call me one I’m likely to shoot you in your pinky toe. But, yanno, I just don’t like the word. The job is the same no matter what I, you or they call it.
I’ve been using a LOT of patience lately.
See, Taylor’s been workin’ these mad, crazy hours. Up at twenty after three, out the door by just after three thirty (yes, in the morning. He says he doesn’t just get up at the ass crack of dawn but crawls out of Satan’s ass) and he’s gone until four or five in the evening.
He comes home, has dinner, fiddles on his forum, reads email, watches a movie and is in bed before it’s even dark out so he can do the whole thing over again the next day.
Doesn’t leave much time for… well… much of anything else, does it?
And here’s me with this itch.
Beyond the itch I’m just sort of bored at home alone most days. Even the teen scrambles out of the house as soon as he’s clear of chores and isn’t usually seen again until on-the-dot-of-his-curfew.
There’s only so much a person can masturbate, yanno?
And, sure, I could go to bed when Taylor does and it’s fairly likely we’d fuck like bunnies before he falls asleep.
And sometimes I do. We do.
But it’s not just sex I’m itchy for. And getting the Man in the mood for… more… when he’s quite focused on Satan’s ass is a bit difficult.
Gah.
Which brings me back to patience.
If someone had told me a decade ago that I’d have such stores of it I’d have laughed in their face.
But it turns out I actually do.
I’ve settled into a place where I patiently wait, where the resentment and longing rarely bubble up and over into a froth of misbehavior and attention seeking bullshit, where I don’t have to tell myself it’s my place to wait for what he has time and energy and desire to give me but I actually know it’s my place - bone deep - and I DO sit and wait….
Sounds almost boring, right?
And so then I wonder…
Oh. My. God.
Am I boring???????? Has it all become common place and routine and bland and THAT’S why???
And, yanno, I don’t think so. I know, rationally, that it’s just the hectic schedule and long days. But fuck me if I’m able to stop that one, wee niggling voice that’s whispering….
boringggggggggg.
Nice to know I can still torture myself.
just had to tell you .. you make me laugh!!
i’ve just come out of that boring place.. it had been 6 longggg months since i got nearly the amount of pain / whatevers i need to survive.. and HE wondered why i was weepy and bitchy and moody???!!! geez louise !!!
morningstar (owned by Warren)
July 1st, 2008 at 2:58 pmGlad I could make ya laugh. Glad, too, when someone gets th whole weepy, bitchy, moody thing. I have to wonder just how long my patience will hold out before I get there, yanno?
xoxo
July 1st, 2008 at 7:46 pmyes, i’m gonna butt in again
being the philosophical nasty that i am…
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:53 ami do not think it is boring that you have become. i think it might be more accurate to say tolerant. i do not mean that in a negative way… that word has a tendency to have negativity surrounding it.
when you tell yourself something, like a lie or a stretching of the truth thing, there comes a point in time when you are able to convince yourself that what you’ve been telling yourself is a reality. would it not be safe to assume that a behavior can be faked long enough to be a norm? if you tell yourself how to behave long enough you can eventually make it habit. habits can be misconstrued as boring. habits can be taken as stablizing, too. rutts also have a bad connotation to them. i happen to ‘need’ a rutt in my life. maybe you have forced your behavior long enough that it is accepted by your subconscious?
shrugs
can i get this tattooed on my forearm so i dont forget it ?
“where I don’t have to tell myself it’s my place to wait for what he has time and energy and desire to give me but I actually know it’s my place - bone deep - and I DO sit and wait….”
xoxox
July 7th, 2008 at 12:00 pm